I had an interesting experience recently. As you all know here, because I'm a broken record, I suffer from seasonal depression. For some annoying reason from about October – March I do my damndest to totally dismantle my whole life. I cannot explain this, but I'm fucking exceptional at it. The people who are constant in my life know this about me. Most of them disregard anything that comes out of my mouth during this time. Those are good friends, the ones that let me have my little fit, and then ask me if I'm done, and can we get donuts now.
However, once in a while it gets too heavy in my head and I fade to black. I am very good about reaching out. Well, I either turbo fuck up my life, or reach out. Anyway last month I went black, and I mixed it up by going mild dismantle, but also reaching out. This is what shocked me. I reached out to two people and both of them were "too busy." Then they thought, "you're only saying this because we had a fight the other day." Finally they thought, "well we aren't fighting now so you must be fine."
I have to say I'm fucking flabbergasted. I've never, ever, ever, used the shit in my head to get out of a sticky situation. I've had it done to me several times and I hate it. I hate it because no matter what I will always follow up on it, get down into it with you, and wade through all the shit to save you, until I realize it was all just a joke for you. Because I've had that done to me so many times, I NEVER DO THAT. I don't let a lot of people in my life, and I don't open up much, which is what made it all so surprising when I finally opened up, asked for help, and was so fully shut down.
I keep a list in my head, of people I will never ever trust ever again, and boy are these two jack asses so high up on the list right now. Moments like that are why people don't reach out for help. Because their peers are so self absorbed they can't take 25 seconds to stop and look at the bigger picture. At the end of the day, the entire situation, the hours of talk, everything was still about them, and I walked away from it all laughing at how naive they are.
I'm a giver. I will give to you, until I'm empty and barely surviving, and then give to you some more, if it is going to help you. That makes it so hard for me to understand takers. I find takers often. It's like I'm drawn to them. People who want to suck the empathy out of you. Drain you of your joy and love, and leave you broken, and wondering why you didn't see sooner that they are damaged souls who drag others down for fun. I will always accept them too, because I never want to wonder "what if," but I gotta tell you it's wearing thin being a giver, who can never find a giver in return.
If you need help, reach out to me, or someone you know and trust. In the event you reach out to a fucktard who can't see beyond themselves, please, for fuck sake reach out one more time. Because I promise the whole world isn't that way, there is good out there, you maybe just have to look harder, and then make your own list.